Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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