we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
