i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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