The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
