Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
