I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
