Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
