i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
