your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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