i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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