I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
