I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
