I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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