I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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