Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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