i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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