the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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