I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
