Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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