Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
