my being single is dangerous.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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