Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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