"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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