Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize