This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
