I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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