Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
