it was like eating out sand paper
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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