What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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