dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You are the jesus of drinking
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
