Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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