I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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