I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
