Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
