I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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