So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
