She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
