Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
