bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
