Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
