Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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