Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
