I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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