your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
