Have you finally orgasmed yet?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
