My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
