why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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