Where is the hickey?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
