i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
