I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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