This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize