I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize