I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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