I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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