Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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