My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize