She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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