I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
