No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
We talked him into tasing himself.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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